I have been thinking about marrying him for a few months now. I have postponed telling pending some important news concerning our respective careers. Fortunately, it's excellent news, making marriage more feasible for us.
I'm not exactly sure of his stance on marriage. He wholeheartedly supports same-sex marriage. He sees himself having kids some day. Every once in a while he'll joke that either I am his "wife" or that he is my wife. I am not sure if his joking is an accurate representation of his feelings on marrying me.
What else should I know?
omg i wanna marry my chinese boyfriend, what do i do!?
halfpenguin 24 指標 7 月 前*
I'm gay and have been with my Chinese boyfriend for 4 years. Partially in China, partially in Canada.
I got a bit of the "wife" thing too pretty early on. In China, same-sex marriage doesn't exist, so it's thrown around a little more loosely in long-term gay relationships. Most chinese/chinese gay couples have very distinct 攻/受 roles which often relate directly to M/F gender roles, not just in sex but in life. Part of the joke is that you're the female, and he might expect you to challenge that ;). Treat it as a joke with some love attached. I don't think it necessarily has any connection with actual marriage in his mind. On the other hand, it shows that in Chinese people's minds (even gay ones), relationships are still seen as requiring a male and female.
The bad news is gay marriage is completely unheard of in China. In China, a gay relationship is not seen as a "real" relationship. Traditionally, the value of a relationship/marriage is that it produces children and expands the family. Most gay men end up marrying women (sometimes lesbians) to satsify their family. Then, they have a gay relationship on the side. Sometimes their family even knows about it. As long as it's not spoken of, and the grandchildren are coming, everything is fine. It's good to hear your boyfriend has vowed against this though. :)
The good news is you're in the US, and your boyfriend has the chance to live a separate life. However, I expect it will remain separate. He seems to be suportive of same-sex marriage and having kids. Having kids goes with the traditional idea of expanding the family. Ideally, he would love to continue the family through adoption and a same-sex relationship, but in reality he knows his family probably wouldn't accept that. He's conflicted because he probably loves his family and feels obligated to make them happy. He might see this as a decision of selfishness vs selflessness.
His decision to stay in the US means that he has chosen to live this separate life with you (at least for now). If you ask him to marry you, maybe he will, but your relationship will probably never be taken seriously in China. If you visit his family in China, you'll most likely be a "friend".
Depending on how open minded and westernized your boyfriend and his family are, this may vary, but in general I feel like this is how it is. Feel free to fill me in on more info.
zanmenjiehunba123[S] 9 指標 7 月 前
Thank you for a very insightful response.
He was stressing out about providing with his parents with a grandchild. I told him about options such as adoption and getting an egg donor. He seemed to like those ideas,
then later on read a magazine about gay parenting.
thingsdontrunwe 2 指標 7 月 前
The pressure he is facing is immense. No wonder 90% of gay Chinese men marry women to please their parents. I would really sit down with him and talk about this seriously.
I've heard of many Chinese-foreigner gay relationships ending because in the end the Chinese guy chose his family over the foreign boyfriend. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but if it comes down to a choice like that, he might dump you to please his family. Family comes first.
During your talk with him, you might want to discuss different scenarios and how he would handle it. What if after you get married, his parents disown him? How would he handle that situation?
shuishou 1 指標 7 月 前
This is pretty spot on. Regarding the first part, my boyfriend calls me 老婆, just because I am 小受, so he expects me to take on that role that wives usually do. Gay relationships aren't like in the US where there is less gender binary.
noott 4 指標 7 月 前
You're okay with that?
redvelvetx 1 指標 7 月 前
Lol. Some boys like the housewife role, let's be real. Otherwise, idk why shuishou would continue to allow him to call him that.
polarbackup 13 指標 7 月 前
Sounds like he's got to come out to his family, before marriages is on the table.
zanmenjiehunba123[S] 3 指標 7 月 前
I agree. One of the stipulations that I have been thinking about is that I'll only marry him with the understanding that he'll come out in a reasonable amount of time. He does plan on coming out to his parents, so I don't think it's a huge worry at this point.
lzhn 7 指標 7 月 前
Some Chinese couples seem like they have been together forever before marrying, but many, many others seem to go from first date to marriage in the span of a year.
Kooglemoore 13 指標 7 月 前
I think with any relationship the worst thing to do is place expectations on your partner based on what you know of their culture. Cultural generalizations are useful for navigating foreign societies but not much help in interpersonal relationships.
Basically, this is a conversation to have with your boyfriend. In fact, even if you were a straight/non-mixed couple a frank discussion about marriage expectations is something serious couples ought to do.
[deleted] 3 指標 7 月 前
I read this the other day:
Some of the comments hard to believe, some just plain laughable.
zanmenjiehunba123[S] 2 指標 7 月 前
Explains why my boyfriend dislikes coming out to the Chinese community... Some have already asked him outright and he has told the ones he trusts. I have another friend, a lesbian, who has the same aversion.
[deleted] 3 指標 7 月 前
And also why you find social phenomena in China such as 'The Homo Wife'. A woman who marries a gay man often unaware that he is gay. I lived next door to an elderly couple who I am sure fitted this thing. The guy was so camp and so effeminate and dressed - what should I say... - rather flamboyantly.
kortochgottSweden 1 指標 7 月 前
To be fair, that article is making those people out to be waaaaay worse than they actually are. It's worth noting that it was not shanghaiist but a third party organization that made the video. Most Chinese are just uninformed and unfamiliar with the topic.