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【中英双语】西方女生:为什么中国男友总是不肯说我爱你

更新:2015-05-25 15:32:30  |  分享:Seas ( V100 )  |  来源:转载  |  阅读:469
标签:中国男朋友我爱你

What do Chinese men expect from a relationship with Western women?

为什么我的中国男朋友总是不肯说我爱你

I really love my boyfriend, but he is pretty much against emotional expression. He doesn't like to say those three little words that women (Western, at least) oh so love to hear. He also doesn't like to give compliments (or even acknowledgments, I won't be greedy), whether it's about me personally, or about something that I have done in an attempt to make him happy or impress him. I just really only want to make him happy, and get some feedback when I try. Or some feedback on how he truly feels about me and what he thinks about me. 

我很爱我的男朋友,但是他相当不喜欢情感的表达。他就是不想说女人们(至少是西方女人)超级想听的那三个字。而且他也很反感赞美我;无论是我个人,还是我做的那些想让他开心或者感动的事情(哪怕是感谢,我真的一点都不贪心...)。我真的只是想让他开心,并且得到一点回报。或者了解他在心里是怎么看待我的。 

It's like, I can see the hamster on the wheel sometimes. I can see a faint glimmer of a reaction arising. Annnnnnnd, nope. There's nothing. Maybe just an awkwardly dismissive, "Uhhhh huh." Or a, "Right, right, riiiiiight, silly." Or if I'm really persistent, a, "Yes, '(Whatever I just asked quoted back to me in affirmation)'." 

这就像是,当我看见仓鼠踩着轮子的时候,能看见一些隐隐约约、模糊存在的什么东西。但~~~~~~~是,并没有,他对我什么都没有,准确的说是不屑一顾 "嗯..哼" 或者是 "好,好,好~~~~~好蠢‘。当我真的很在乎的时候 "YES"(无论我刚刚问了什么他都会这样回我) 

I'm very expressive. I tell him why I love him, why I'm grateful to be with him, and how he makes me happy. Okay, I don't expect the same level of expression out of him, but the basics would be nice! He maintains that he told me from the start that he is not into the mushy gushy sweet talk stuff, but if it had been as bad then as it is now, I would've never dated him in the first place. No flirting? No romance? No nothing? No way... 

我是个很外向的人,我告诉他我爱他,为什么我很感激他,还有他怎么样让我很开心。好吧,我并不指望他也表达到这种水平,但是起码给一点反应啊!但他坚持着他从最开始就说的话"我并不会说那些黏糊的甜言蜜语。"早知如此,我绝对不会和他约一次()! 没有调情?没有浪漫?什么都没有?没门! 

He insists that he's very invested in our future together. He has never violated my trust, nor have I violated his. He moved back to China (which he loathes) to be with me last year. We share money and give it back and forth like it's a hot potato. We don't get sick of each other, or feel the need to have "space". We are goofy together, laugh at ourselves, and enjoy each other's humor. That's a lot more than a lot of couples could hope for. 

他坚持他在为我俩的共同未来在打拼。他也从没有辜负我的信任,当然我也没有辜负过他的。他去年搬回了中国(虽然他不喜欢),我也跟着一块儿去了。我们一起用钱,而且把钱推过来推过去的,就像是烫手山芋一样。我们并不会对彼此感到厌倦,或者说会想要有点自己的"空间"之类的。我们在一起时彼此真心相待,常常开怀大笑,而且也很享受彼此的幽默。这已经比许多情侣所期待的关系好多了。 

He argue that it's just a cultural difference, and I can agree with this up to a certain point. However, at which point is this getting into a guy not responding to the emotional needs of his girlfriend? He wants a wife and kids, but to me, it almost feels like I've passed the preliminary screening and I'm an acceptable fit for the vacancy in his life. 

他认为这只是文化差异的问题,而且我在一定程度上也同意他的这个观点。然而,到底在何种程度上才会使一个男生不会对他女朋友的情感需求有所回应呢?他想要有一个老婆和孩子,但是对我来说,这感觉上像是我已经通过了初步筛选然后成为了一个可以填补其生命空缺角色的合适(候选人)。 

I feel like he concentrates more on the roles in the relationship, and functioning as society would ideally have it, as opposed to both of us as individuals (Yeah, I know, spare me the Confucius, please). Is that really the bottom line for so many Chinese men? Have they really gotten to a point where they stop inspecting the car, so long as the engine works? There's no point of delving further into the relationship to find joy in that human connection? 

我感觉他更多地在关系互动中关注角色,以及社会对于这些角色的理想定位,而不会将我们两个人看做是不同的个体。(是的,我知道我这样的观点不符合儒家思想。)难道这就是中国男人的底线吗?难道他们是只要车子引擎能运转就不再关注整辆车(的其他价值和意义)了吗?难道他们认为在今后长远的关系中不断地挖掘和发现彼此,去找寻更多的欢乐,这样做是没有意义的吗? 

I've explained to him how (I'd like to think) most western women work. We're a bit more independent. I don't need you to put on my coat to show me that you love me. I don't need you to go out and make all the money while I sit on my fat ass at home. I don't need lots of overpriced crap.  

我已经向她解释了(我所认为)大部分西方女性是如何生活的。我们更加独立。我不需要你穿上我给你买的衣服,以此表明你爱我。我不需你外出赚钱养家,而我却在家享受。我不需要很多华而不实的东西。 

Let's just be as 50/50 in everything as much as possible. At the end of the day, I just want someone that doesn't mind letting me know that I'm special to them. Saying what you claim that you're already feeling doesn't cost a month's salary, let alone a day's. It doesn't require so much physical exertion. To him, however, it requires a taxing amount of mental effort, and that's where we disconnect. 

让我们尽可能一起完成所有的事情。每天,都希望你知道我只爱你。你真实感受到的讲出来又不花你一个月的薪水,一天的也花不了。说出来花那么大体力吗。然而对于他来说,却不是这样,这是我们有分歧的地方。 

He's tall, educated, and handsome. He's not rich (at least not yet), but he's got no worries. His English is excellent. He's got visas to just about anywhere that he wants to go. 

他高大,学历好,也很帅。他不是很富有(至少目前还没),但尚无后顾之忧。他的英语很棒。他拥有签证,想去哪就去哪。 

But I feel that I could be the most shallow and vapid person on earth, and as long as I were to have his children, not cheat on him, and not make his life utterly unbearable, he would continue to stick with it until the end of time. 

但我感觉到,我好像是这世界上最肤浅、最阴暗的人。只要我给他生孩子,只要我不欺骗他,只要不让他的无法忍受,他就会一直陪我到时间的尽头。 

TL:DR - Chinese boyfriend doesn't like the emotional/sentimental aspects of a relationship, but wants to be married with five kids as soon as yesterday. 

总而言之中国男朋友不喜欢爱情中精神层面的东西,但想要尽快的拥有孩子。




国外网民评论翻译:

ace47 8 指標 2 年 前 
Oversea Chinese here. Yes we Asian tends to think Western women as being on the more expressive side and Asian woman on the more quiet side (submissive isn't quite the right word, I know plenty of women who are not). 
That said this is probably a cultural issue. Perhaps it is good to have an an open discussion with your boyfriend. Just like Westerners, not every Asians are alike. We have heterogenous preferences :). 
5 kids eh.... Not sure if this is allowed in China, but you can have as much as you like in other countries. 

我是海外华人。的确,我们亚洲人倾向于认为西方女人是更善于表达(情感)的,而亚洲女性则更加恬静(顺从不是一个恰当的词,就我所知很多女性不是这样)。 

这可能是一种文化现象。也许和你的男友敞开地聊一聊会很好,就像西方人那样。并不是所有的亚洲人都一样的。我们的偏好有差异~笑 

5个孩子,饿。。不确定在中国是否允许,但是你可以在其他国家生,想要几个都行。 



[deleted] 2 指標 2 年 前  
They can have as many kids as they want. No restrictions for them in terms of One Child Policy. 

他们想要几个都行。计划生育对他们没有限制。 



throw_away_china_day[S] 2 指標 2 年 前  
he has gotten better at the "open discussions" that we western women like to have, but this one just irritates him...he has said before that he would try to be more expressive...a little bit...over time...i'm just have always thought that saying what you already feel is the easy part...deciding that you want to marry someone is the hard part 

在经过我们西方女性想要的那种"敞开对话"后,他已经好多了,但这一次让他有些小不愉快。。他以前说过他会试着更富于表达些。。一点点地。。随着时间地。。我一度一直以为说出你的感受是很容易的环节。。决定与一个人结婚才是最难得环节, 



HandsomeDynamite 6 指標 2 年 前  
I don't think I've ever heard a Chinese person say "I love you" in Chinese aloud. Including my parents. 

我不记得我曾经听到过一个中国人大声地用中文说"我爱你",包括我父母。 



throw_away_china_day[S] 3 指標 2 年 前  
(回楼上) 
Yes, I have heard this before...even the mom not saying I love you is surprising...many westerners grow up, and feel like they need therapy later on for things like that 

是的,我曾经听到过。。甚至我妈妈不说"我爱你"是一件很吃惊的事。。很多西方人长大后觉得他们以后需要这种类似的疗法。 



HandsomeDynamite 3 指標 2 年 前  
My mom's said it in English, just never Chinese. Even just saying it in my head sounds weird. Maybe try getting him to say it in English first? Strangers on the street certainly have no reservations about saying "I love you" to foreigners... 

我妈妈用英语说过,从没用中文说过。即使(用中文)对我这样说我也会感到很怪异。也许你应该试着让他先用中文说?街上的陌生人向陌生人说‘i love you我爱你'当然不会有任何负担。。 



throw_away_china_day[S] 3 指標 2 年 前  
Where does the stigma surrounding that word come from? Nearly every time he says it in response, it's like he has a bad taste in his mouth...like he drank orange juice after brushing his teeth 

起?每次他回应这句话时,就像他嘴里有什么难吃的东西一样。。就像他刚刷完牙就喝橘子汁一样。 



HandsomeDynamite 2 指標 2 年 前  
(回楼上) 
Honestly I'm not sure. It may be because in the west we tend to throw the phrase around a bit too much (6th graders using it on each other is kind of dumb) whereas in Chinese it holds a lot of gravity. It isn't something to be said lightly, and when it is said, it isn't said in public. 

坦白说我不太确定,可能我们西方人倾向于把措辞表达地更彻底(当然,六年级学生这样相互问候可能有些荒谬),相反,中文中这句话有着更大的分量。这不是一个可以随意说出口的话,而当这句话说出来是,并不会在公共场合。 



Captain_Generous 2 指標 2 年 前  
(回楼上) 
Does it hold a lot of gravity? I've had girls say it to me after meeting them twice. I kind of figured it didn't have the same impact as in the west. 

这句话的分量很重么?我认识的(中国)女孩在我见过她们两次以后就会这样对我说,我貌似感到这句话并没有在西方(说出来的)那种效果。 



fbeaUnited States 3 指標 2 年 前  
I've never said this to my mother and I'm Korean. I never really grew up with being expressive in our household, and my gf has expressed the same sentiment that you're sharing. Although I've definitely opened up since the few years that I've been with her. 

我从来没有对我妈妈这样说过,我是一个韩国人。我在家里从来没有成长成一个善于表达的人,而且我的女友也像你一样表达过这种情感。尽管在和她在一起很多年后,我已经渐渐放开了。 



smug_seaturtle 6 指標 2 年 前  
Chinese here. In the last 2-3 years my parents have suddenly started telling me I love you over the phone/email. It really awkwards me out. 

我中国人,在最近的2到3年间我父母突然开始在电话、邮件中向我说‘我爱你'。那真让我古怪了一阵。 



Syptryn 2 指標 2 年 前  
(回楼上) 
Holy crap, Chinese guy here, grew up in NZ when I was 6, still hearing that would be really weird. 

duang~我是中国人,从六岁起在新西兰长大,仍然感到听到这句活会不自在。 



charlesesl 2 指標 2 年 前  
Another Chinese, my dad says it all the time as well. Usually after he does something stupid that could ruin my life or when he's drunk. 

也是中国的,我爸爸也是一直在这样说。通常是他做了什么可以毁了我的蠢事后或者他喝多了的时候。 



cainiaowu 3 指標 2 年 前  
It's just a cultural difference. 

这只是文化差异罢了。 



aedesia 3 指標 2 年 前  
Just know that he truly honors and loves you, and since you love him, you need to love him as he is, and can't force him to change this. It is unreasonable to expect him to be the same as you in how he expresses himself. You have all ready said your side of it to him, so don't dwell on it or become a broken record. Do not let doubts eat away at you, for that will be a mistake that you may never be able to recover. You sound like a great couple who can last forever, so don't ruin it over something that really is just petty insecurity. Also if you want him to be different in how he shows his affection, let him do things for you and provide for you; then as you become comfortable in the way he shows his affection, perhaps he will become more open to showing more ways of affection. If you reject the ways he is comfortable showing affection, then how can you expect him to show more? 

只要知道,自从你爱他之后,他是真的宠爱你,你就需要像他爱你一样爱他,同时不应该强迫他改变。要求他向你一样表达自已是毫无道理的。你已经对他讲出了你的想法,所以不要再对这种事喋喋不休。不要让怀疑伤害你,因为那可能会成为一个无法挽回的错。听起来你们像一对可以白头偕老的夫妻,所以不要让小的不安毁了这样一段感情。如果你想让他换种方式表达他的感情,可以让他为你服务,然后你会感受到他对你的爱,也许从此他会变得更加乐于表达。如果你拒绝他想要的表达方式,那你怎么还能期待更多呢。 



throw_away_china_day[S] 1 指標 2 年 前  
(回楼上) 
i just feel that there's a void there that maybe i can never get fully used to...i just hope he respects my side of the cultural coin and at least attempts to meet me halfway...i know patience is important in cross cultural relationships... 

我只是觉得心里空空的,我想我也可能永远也难以习惯。我只是希望他能顾及我的文化的那面,至少试着达到我一半的要求。我知道耐心是很重要的,在跨文化的感情中。 



aedesia 2 指標 2 年 前  
I know how you feel, and it is all too easy to feel that way. The void is there because you allow it to be...Instead of focusing on something you can't change, focus on all the positive aspects of the relationship (no relationship is perfect as you know). To get rid of the void, bring acceptance and peacefulness into yourself, and let go of the doubt and insecurity. You don't have to hold onto it, and it only holds you back by keeping it. 

我知道你的感受,那非常容易体会到。空空的,那是因为你让它空空的。不要总是在意那些你改变不了的事情,多关心感情中积极的方面(你也知道没有完美的婚姻)。让包容和平和进来,让怀疑和不安走开,这样才能远离空虚。你不需要紧紧的抓住不放,你越抓得牢就越作茧自缚。 



Captain_Generous 1 指標 2 年 前  
I think its just the way Chinese express themselves. The first time me and my Gf exchanged the "Ilove you" , she asked why I loved her. I gave her a long explanation. I asked her why, and she said "I feel you are OK". Chinese express themselves a bit strangely. 

我想这就是中国人的表达方式。当第一次我和我女友互相说"我爱你"时,她问我为什么爱他,我给解释了很多。当我问他问什么爱我时,她回答说"我感觉你还好啦"。中国人的自我表达很有点奇怪。 



throw_away_china_day[S] 1 指標 2 年 前  
LOL. I was told, because I'm a "silly girl with a squirrel face." I imagine that's what his wedding vows would sound like. 

哈,我被告知是因为"我是长着一张松鼠脸的傻女孩",我在想在婚礼上那时他的誓言会是什么样的。 



RevesAvalonUnited States 3 指標 2 年 前  
Well girl, me and you are in the same boat. I've had they same kinds of discussion with my own boyfriend (2 years ) and he basically told me that to most Chinese men, it's the actions that matter. His words exactly were "how would you feel if I told you I loved you all day but wouldn't pay any of your damn bills? Words are useless. I cuddle with you in bed, you can't tell I love you?" From that point I didn't push my luck. You're right, as western women we feel the need to have those words repeated to us as often as we like. So this kind of relationship is strange and new. My boyfriend and I laugh together like idiots, he drools over my cooking, and I couldn't be happier when he plays with my hair. The little things your boyfriend does speak volumes of love. More than any 3 little words could. And my boyfriends advice to you is short and sweet. "suck it up. He loves you. " Romance in China is very soft spoken. But that makes it all the more sweet. 
You know, as time went on, I could hear him say "I love you " under his breath when he thought I wasn't paying attention. Who knows? Maybe your guy does the same thing.... 

好吧,妹子,你和我都在同一条船上。我和我男朋友也有类似的讨论(两年了),他改诉我大多数中国男人基本上都是那样的。他的原句是:"如果我说我爱你却不付出任何实际的行动,你会是什么感受?空是嘴上说没有用,在床上我搂着你时,你难道不能感受到我爱你?"出于这种观点,我不再奢求更多。你是对的,我们西方女人需要在我们觉得想要时能够不断听到那几个字。所以这种关系是很新奇的。

我和我男朋友会像白痴一样一起大笑,他会对着我做的菜流口水,当他抚弄我的头发时我觉得我是最幸福的。你男朋友对你做的每一件小事都意味着爱,远比那三个字有意义。我男朋友给你的建议相当简短:"别抱怨了,他很爱你。"在中国浪漫是很委婉的,但正是那样让你感觉更美妙。 

要知道,随着时间的推移,我听到他说"我爱你"在他以为我没有注意时。谁知道呢?也许你的他也会做同样的事...... 



throw_away_china_day[S] 2 指標 2 年 前  
(回楼上) 
Sounds exactly like my boyfriend...you guys sound very, very good together...when I approach my bf with the mindset of a BFF, all the pressure goes away and things go 
smoothly...I just can't carry that over into marriage or having kids...I feel that's when I would need that emotional security most, as stupid as he thinks that may be 

听起来很像我男友...你们看来在一起处得非常非常好...当我对我男友说要做永远的最好的朋友时,所有的压力都消失了,事情变得缓和...我就是不能让这种(不善表达爱的行为)带给我的婚姻和孩子……我觉得我时时都需要这种情感表达带来的安全感,而不是像那个傻瓜想得那样(无足轻重)。  



RevesAvalonUnited States 1 指標 2 年 前  
I don't think many women and men are quite ready for those things, multiracial relationships or not. It just takes time. Hug him and kiss him. You'll feel emotionally better soon enough. 

许多男女们都没有为这些事情做好准备,不管是不是跨种族的爱情。这需要时间。搂着他并吻他,你会感觉好多了。 



throw_away_china_day[S] 2 指標 2 年 前  
Thanks :) 

谢谢:)

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